


Nothing Worthwhile Ever Was

by Meilan_Firaga



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Light Angst, Multi, Polyamory, Romance, Teen Angst, equilateral triangle
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-27
Updated: 2018-05-27
Packaged: 2019-05-14 15:29:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14772287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meilan_Firaga/pseuds/Meilan_Firaga
Summary: Regulus Black reflects on his relationship with his dearest loves as he prepares to do the right thing.





	Nothing Worthwhile Ever Was

**Author's Note:**

  * For [beebeeate](https://archiveofourown.org/users/beebeeate/gifts).



It began before any of them had left school: a mild flirtation and the only window into the life of the brother who had abandoned him. He’d meant for it to be a way to get back at Sirius. He would nose into big brother’s life now that he’d turned his back on his family and Sirius would be annoyed. He’d even thought to cause a little stir by trying to work himself between the members of Gryffindor’s Golden Couple. Unfortunately, Regulus hadn’t counted on gaining both Lily  _ and _ James’ interest. Even more unfortunately, he hadn’t expected that he’d find himself returning interest in both of them.

The whole affair was a secret, of course. Imagine the scandal of  _ both _ Black family sons throwing in with their kind. It lasted for the whole of Lily and James’ final year at Hogwarts--one or both of them sneaking off to meet with him in dark corners and passing secret notes when no one else was looking. Regulus and James once purposely crashed their brooms into one another during a windy day quidditch match so they could have a few hours of time together without making excuses. Regulus was sure that the other two graduating would be the end of their affair. Doubts about the Dark Lord, his idol, had crept in when he held Lily in his arms and tangled his fingers in James’ hair, but the moment summer began and he was back at Grimmauld Place it was as though a dark cloud had settled over his happy memories. He couldn’t live in a dream world that would never exist. They had their freedom and their lives to see to--careers to find and a family to plan--and he simply couldn’t imagine that they would so much as consider a place for him in that future. He pinned up newspaper clippings and the Black family crest, locking all of those carefree, childish memories away. He’d had plans before them. There was no reason to ignore those plans without them around.

Lily’s first letter arrived just days after he’d taken the Mark. It was written in a special ink she’d developed just for the three of them, the words flowing into innocuous sentences about a fictional gobstones club until the proper charm was applied. Regulus had stuffed it in a pocket the moment he’d recognized the plain script at the breakfast table with his parents and waited until he was locked in his room to pull it from the envelope with shaking hands. There were nearly a dozen pages, half of which were written by James and dated nearly two weeks prior. Lily went on at length about how unreliable James could be, explaining that he’d been supposed to send the first letter and had promptly forgotten to tie it to an owl after he’d finished writing. Regulus could practically hear the fond exasperation in her voice as he read it over. He read James’ letter second and felt the backs of his eyes begin to burn. The words weren’t as important as the sentiment they expressed. They still wanted him. They understood his family and the need for secrecy. They understood how hard it would be, but they both wanted to do whatever they could to make it work.  _ You’re worth it, Reg, _ James wrote.  _ The three of us together are worth it. _

His reply was the hardest thing Regulus ever had to write. He couldn’t agree to continue what they had without letting them know what he’d done. The writhing black ink on his forearm wasn’t exactly something he could hide if they ever made it beyond the hasty cuddles and kisses in darkened corners that had defined their physical intimacy up to that point. He expected a Howler if he got any reply at all. 

Instead, he got a package.

The box was square and wrapped in thick brown paper. An enormous barn owl delivered it directly to his bedroom window in the middle of the night the same day he’d sent his reply. Inside was a gobstones set with only green and silver marbles, a rook from a wizard’s chess set, and a single scrap of paper. The paper listed a date, time, and the phrase “Rook = portkey”. When he picked up one of the silver gobstones it released a cloud of James’ cologne into the air. The green ones did the same with Lily’s perfume. Regulus nearly cried. Two days later, after he gave his parents an excuse of staying with a schoolmate who owed him enough of a favor to cover for him, the portkey zipped Regulus off to a cottage in a muggle village in the Welsh countryside. Lily met him at the gate. She greeted him with a slap to the face and then sobbed all over his chest while James hovered in the doorway. They stayed together until dawn, talking about decisions they’d made and what those decisions meant to the three of them. He told them everything he already knew, including the disillusionment he’d begun to feel with the Dark Lord since joining the ranks of his servants. 

It wasn’t easy, but, as Lily continuously reminded them, nothing worthwhile ever was. They didn’t risk another night together that summer. They traded letters--no more than one a week--and never neglected to use all of the secretive tricks they had up their sleeves. The start of his final school year brought Regulus an enormous amount of relief. All the Dark Lord wanted from him while he was at school was reports on the activity of his muggleborn classmates. It was easy to use the excuse of studying for N.E.W.T.S. as reasoning for why his reports weren’t particularly detailed. Death Eaters were meant to be very magically competent after all. James had given him a special map for sneaking out of the castle, and the three of them made use of every weekend they could to meet up in Hogsmeade. 

As the war ramped up, Lily and James would frequently arrive in varying states of recovery from battle wounds. Sometimes one of them would have to stay behind, too injured to make the journey. It made Regulus sick whenever he looked at the Mark on his arm to think that it might be him they’d be up against when he didn’t have school and N.E.W.T.S. to use as an excuse. Graduation was coming faster than he was willing to admit, and he knew he’d have a decision to make. They wanted to hide him--place him under a Fidelius Charm since no one on the Dark Lord’s side would ever expect Lily or James to be harboring another Black family turncoat. He wasn’t completely opposed to the idea no matter how much turning his back on his mother and father left him grinding his teeth, but knowing how much they’d fought, the great things they’d done, and how all of that stacked up against his fear, his cowardice, his childish obedience to a cause he couldn’t see as anything but terrible… He wanted to accept what they were offering, but he knew he wasn’t worthy of it. Not yet.

That was how, barely two weeks after he’d finished at Hogwarts, Regulus came to be sitting in a chair at the end of their bed, watching his loves sleep in the dark of night. The left side of the bed was still rumpled from where he’d been lying, but neither of them had stirred when he’d risen from the soft sheets and gotten dressed. He’d put the tiniest bit of sleeping draught in their glasses at dinner--just enough to keep them from waking. They’d been talking about the possibility of him turning spy for the Order. James had much more confidence in his acting than Regulus thought was particularly sane, and he’d told him as much. He humored them as the discussion followed them all to bed, Lily and James yawning with exhaustion.

He hadn’t told them what had happened with Kreacher and the Dark Lord. They’d be outraged, of course. Both of them had soft spots for the less fortunate. They would also both immediately insist on putting him into hiding. He wanted--no, he  _ needed _ \--to do something for the cause before he could let them take that risk.

Regulus held a letter in each hand. One was written in their special ink, sealed in an envelope. As he stood from the chair, he leaned that letter against the lamp on the bedside table. The other letter he folded small, creasing it over and over until he could almost conceal it between two fingers. He tucked it into a pocket, using a sticking charm to make sure he wouldn’t drop it. Standing beside the bed, he bent over to press his lips gently against each of their foreheads before he swept out of the room without glancing back. The words of the letter on the nightstand repeated in his mind as he crept silently through the house.

_ To my Dearest Loves, _

_ I have made many mistakes that I wish I could take back. I’ve told you both about them on numerous occasions. What we have is the only thing in my life that I’m sure has not been a mistake. I want to be sure that you both know that. James & Lily, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. _

_ I think I know how to beat him. Or at least something that will help. If I am successful tonight, I will bring you both the type of hope your heroism deserves. If I am not, then I suspect I will not return at all. I won’t regret it. While I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that I want to spend the rest of my life making you both happy, I know that I cannot do that without first doing everything I can to atone for my mistakes. I don’t imagine that will be easy, but you both know how that goes. _

_ I don’t think I knew what love was before the two of you. _

_ With all my heart, _

_ R.A.B. _

The garden was quiet when he stepped outside, the night peaceful. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He’d left his robes behind, choosing instead to nick one of James’ many cotton tees. James’ scent wafted up to him every time he took a breath. It was selfish, of course, to steal like that, but he needed the comfort to push his cowardice aside. The same could be said for the scarf he’d wrapped around his forearm, completely covering the hateful Mark in his flesh. Lily had worn the scarf that afternoon when she’d gone to the market. He ran his hand along the soft cotton, remembering how it felt when he’d used the scarf to tug her in for a kiss.

If his own absolution wasn’t worth what he was about to do, James and Lily absolutely were.

“Kreacher,” he called quietly into the night. “To me, Kreacher.” He didn’t jump at the audible crack of the House Elf’s arrival. It wasn’t going to be easy, but nothing worthwhile ever was.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you like this, beebeeate! I didn't have much to go on, but the pairing really grabbed me. I'm sorry it got so angsty, as that wasn't my intention when I started.


End file.
